When Nothing Makes Sense

When Nothing Makes Sense…EVERYTHING makes sense.

Make sense?! ;)

So here’s the scoop.  The last few weeks have been HARD. Like really reallllyyyy HARD.  The life I was living was somehow flipped upside down. Sound familiar??

I’m starting to see this pattern in my life.  As soon as I start to have a moment of “comfort” predictability in my life, suddenly “POOF” out of thin air it is gone. And to be honest my gut reaction is anger, fear, bitterness, frustration. Also I may or may not suffer with the “why me?” syndrome ;)

The last year of my life has been a lot to work through, but for a few short months I felt relaxed.  Things had calmed down. Things seemed to be coming together again and I was excited.  I felt READY to have some normal routine again.  I felt like I was moving forward with life again. 

By normal I mean a predictable job, a predictable living situation, a predictable plan.  I felt a sense of clarity. 

Then school started and I had a crazy (but good) first week with my 4^th grade class.  I knew that I had a LOT to learn, but it was manageable.  I still felt “in control” of my situation. 

Oh how God loves to break any sense of control I seem to find and then cling to…

Bam. One week and suddenly I was moving to Kindergarten.  Everything I had planned for weeks and months before school started: Gone.  All the meetings with my team before school started: No longer helpful.

Any knowledge about curriculum?  Nope.  Supplies prepared/bought?  Not at all. 

I was (and still very much am) frustrated through all this.  It is not what I had signed up for.  It was not what I wanted.  It has made me question EVERYTHING.  I lost all sense of clarity.  Each day has challenged me to the core.  I question my choices, my career, my future, my direction.  What I thought I knew, I no longer know.

I’m mad that God put me here.  That he “tricked” me into feeling comfortable just to pull the rug out from under me AGAIN.  Am I just some punching bag or something? Spoken to Him in anger and resentment. 

I wrestled with God. Just as in the past, I had my little “temper tantrum” and basically said all the things a “good Christian” doesn’t say. I said what I felt-not that He doesn’t know it anyway.  What’s the point in hiding it?

And then I start to run (in the literal sense-running helps me process/reflect haha!) and I get to the “Ok God, I give up. You win.” Because as I LOST all the clarity I had in earthly things (primarily my career in this case), I gained the ONLY clarity that actually IS in fact “clarity.”  And THAT is the clarity that can only be found in Him. 

I know that He put me here right now.  I know that this is EXACTLY where he wants me. And that is ALL I know, and THAT is clear to me.  Because in this place I have nothing to hold onto.  Because in this place I cannot make my own plans succeed. Because in this place, I walk in each day and pray because I cannot face it alone.

He wants me to NEED Him.  He wants me to DEPEND on Him.  He wants me to SURRENDER to Him.  This is EXACTLY where he wants my heart, and He (in His mercy) leads me between this “rock and hard place” to bring me to humble myself and lean into Him. 

Maybe God will lead me into another direction. One that is not in the classroom. Maybe he’s using this difficult time to make me a better educator in the future. I don’t know. And that’s not what I should focus on right now.  Right now He has put me HERE (for however long that may be).

I can’t worry about the “what if’s” and I can’t fear failure. Guess what?  I WILL fail. Guarantee it. I’m human.

BUT God doesn’t. And when I fall, He will set my feet where they need to be going if I trust Him and seek Him with my whole heart. 

That is my Clarity. And THAT is the only clarity I will every truly have and every truly need.