Plan God

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

(Warning: This post is up and down much like the emotional roller coaster called life. As I write, I process things. Yes, it is a little scattered, but this is just my heart. Follow if you can haha! Good luck-you'll need it!)
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The plan was simple, clear, straightforward.  I was going to graduate with my teaching degree in December, be a substitute from January until June, and then move out and apply for a full time classroom position for the 2016 school year staring in August.

If only life always went “according to plan”…

In January I ended up applying for a tutoring position for a private company that provides classes with the equestrian community/students. It was AMAZING in so many ways. I enjoyed it very much-probably more than I would have enjoyed substituting at local schools. I got to build great relationships with the students I taught, and my coworkers/bosses were awesome too! THEN the school year ended-yay for being a teacher with SUMMER BREAK! I started getting serious about applying for full time teaching positions.  I got my eligibility filed and transcripts as I attempted to get my ducks in a row (and anyone who knows me knows that I like my ducks “single file, facing front, no talking…OH WAIT, that’s how I like my STUDENTS to be ;) BUT THEN, I found an interesting international teaching job in which I would spend a few months abroad...But I was still hesitant to go away from the plan. 

And THEN my world was flipped upside down (quite literally actually) when I was hit by a car. 

July 1^st changed my life.   I’m still not sure the extent of the repercussions of the accident.  I JUST got my test results back to see what is wrong with my right shoulder.  My clavicle is fractured, the ligaments around the clavicle are sprained, and the rotator cuff is torn.  We are approaching the injury with non-surgical methods first (physical therapy and such) and going from there to make decisions about surgery. Being that this is all “accident related,” it’s not like I can decide in a few years that I’m having too many problems and would like to go through with the operation.  It wouldn’t be covered then.  Sooo it makes the decision a little harder feeling like there is more of a time limit.

Even a simple question like "How are you?" or "So what are you doing now?" is SO INCREDIBLY LOADED right now.  I have to start from the "Well..I did yada yada yada...and then I got hit by a car on my bike...and now my life is changing on a daily basis."  Last week I started going to dr appointments for my leg as well. I ignored it because my shoulder had more intense pain, but the discomfort in my leg has not gone away.  We still don't have results for that yet, but surgery might even be a possibility there too.  And that's why I'm living ONE day at a time and taking it all as it comes-becuase it KEEPS changing! 

I feel SO CONFUSED, LOST, HOPELESS.  Not knowing where your body’s needs will be in a few months is terrifying (in some ways I feel like a “ticking time bomb”…is this what pregos feel like?! Haha!).  If I don’t have surgery, this whole accident will just be a few months of doctor visits, therapy, and many phone calls (and DON'T underestimate these: Lately I'm spending more than 10 hours a week with drs and/or in PT  right now! Yesterday I was there from 2-5pm ). If I do have surgery, I won’t be able to use one of my arms for months…which KIND OF affects teaching abilities (I know, it's not impossible, BUT I know myself and my limits and this would NOT be a wise decision FOR ME.  I could have finished college in 4 years, but I did it in 4.5 years to keep my sanity. Could doesn't equal should.)

Many, SO many tears have been shed. I cry wishing this nightmare was over.  I cry b/c I have lost what I thought I had: control. I cry having SO many conversations about the accident.  I just don't want to talk about it all.the.time. but it has consumed my life. I'm trying to figure it ALL out.  Trying to make a decision about what to pursue without enough information to make a decision.  And being in education, this is CRUNCH time to the MAX as the school year starts. I need to decide NOW!! Like yesterday actually!  I want things to be VERY flexible…you know, in case I need to be out for a few months or have limited use of my arm like tutoring again or being a subsitute.  My previous bosses recently contacted me to ask if I would like to be on the team of teachers again, and  I have decided to tutor with hours that would allow me to go to PT daily.  I might (NOT going to say "plan to") do this for a few months until I make surgery decision(s). I also talked with a few teachers and looked into sub positions-possibly "long term" sub positions so I could teach the same students daily, but still have surgery if needed in a few months without worrying about a classroom while trying to recover. In this way, this might be the best time to have surgery as opposed to any time in the future if I had a full time job, family, etc.  It's hard to have "options" but it makes it easier in a way.  And for that (and parents that are helping me work through this all), I am incredibly thankful. 

I have mourned.  I still mourn.  Knowing that this year won’t look at all like I planned it to look.

Honestly, right now I need people to just listen and understand that I am trying to make the best decisions I can in this situation.  I need to take care of my body before I worry about my career. Those "plans" are on hold right now. Health has been the priority: going to doctor appointments, therapy, etc.  AND not stressing about it. I've handled anxiety with poor methods in the past, and I'm working on better methods this time. Lliterally, my blood pressure was through the roof during jury duty last week (grreeaaat timing on that one..NOT)!  My face was so flushed, and my chest had so much pressure I had to keep taking big breaths I thought I was going to pass out!)

And much like the Psalm 13 written by David, here is where my despair turns to hope. "How long must I have sorrow in my heart?" becomes "I will sing to the Lord." 

The other day, I was driving, thinking and crying about how MY plans have fallen apart, and it hit me: I make SO many plans in LIFE.  We ALL do.  We have plan A, plan B…all the way to plan double-z if you’re like me. BUT GOD HAS ONE PLAN. Period.  He doesn’t need a back-up plan.  This did not surprise him.  This is HIS plan for my life…even if it doesn’t make sense to me now…OR EVER. But His plan is ALWAYS the best plan.  And I can rest in Him knowing that!  So now, and for the rest of my life, I’m on “Plan God.”

The verse at the top of the page has been my favorite verse since I was 15.  At the time, it reminded me that I will have desires, and dreams, and hopes in life, and God will be along side me-guiding those desires, and dreams and hopes.  I don’t claim to be a theologian, but as I was driving, I realized that it’s not just about the things I MYSELF pursue-because man will pursue his plans, it’s also about the circumstances we encounter in life.  God is the true author of our story.  God is the one refining our faith through different “steps” in life.  I have a passion to teach.  I believe it is a calling. And God has given me the gifts and abilities to pursue that passion and follow His calling.  BUT how and when and where I end up teaching are all in His plan and His timing (and I could even add IF to the list-not to be morbid, but each day is a GIFT…getting hit by an SUV will remind you that in case you forgot).  I once heard a pastor say that we often write up our plans to God and then hand them to Him  (in prayer) and expect Him to sign off and approve so we can be on our way while believing that we are following him.  In reality, we need to be handing God a blank piece of paper, allowing Him to have complete and free reign over what is written.  Then HE hands it back to us and we can commit to following His plan.  WOW!  Seven years later this sermon has stuck with me.

Now it’s one thing to understand that this is all part of God’s plan, but it is another thing to continually thank Him and find gratitude in this situation.  When I was interviewed for the school newspaper as a Senior at Asbury and asked about my college swimming career, I was asked, “What is one thing you have learned about yourself during your time at Asbury?”  My response was: I’ve learned that the ONE thing I can control in life is my attitude. Over the past few years I’ve faced many challenges both in and out of the pool.  I can’t always control what happens, but I can control my response and attitude toward a situation.  How we react to a circumstance is a choice that we make (for the full article click here)

This is the peace and the joy God allows us to have that “transcends all understanding.”  The choice that we have to trust God with a joyful heart and a thankful spirit.  Even though my heart doesn’t always feel it, I have been THANKING God for this time of uncertainty and pain.  It allows me to experience His comfort in ways that I wouldn’t have without the trial.  It allows me to put my trust in Him when the ground I walk on is shaking.  It is NOT to make me a better version of myself, BUT instead, making me more like Christ. I KNOW that God is refining my faith because He loves me and He knows what's best for me.

When we first moved to FL, I was devastated. BUT God has been so faithful and when I look back and see how hard it has been (and still is) to adjust here, I hope that one day this will help me with the new students in my class.  The students that don’t know anyone or anything yet.  The ones that are trying to find their footing in a new place and are starting from scratch.  I will be able to relate to those students in ways that I would have never been able to before. I’ll have a different heart from those students then I would have had if my family was never relocated. I’ll “get it.” Even the ability to reach ONE student that I wouldn’t have been able to without experiencing the same struggle, I would move a hundred times over again. 

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)

Right now, I’m going through some “growing pains” as my faith matures.  I’m learning to find comfort and rest in an uncomfortable position.  Patient endurance in the midst of pain-It’s basically what I train to do on a daily basis thanks to the lovely sport of triathlon…box o’ pain baby!...I mean, sitting on a bike saddle for 6+ hours is not the most comfortable of things..Who knew, right?!  I know, CRAZY :P  "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."  So, I'm learning to "dance in the rain." (And yes, the pic below could be me...my umbrella is PINK!)  And when I "go outside," I realize that the rain is really just a drizzle.  I am still SO INCREDIBLY BLESSED.  I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.  Yes, it's a hard time...a really hard time, BUT I still have the ONE thing that matters in LIFE: A relationship with Jesus Christ. 

Below are the lyrics to "Strangely Dim" by Francesca Battistelli.  Reminding me just to trust right now.  Not losing hope, not losing faith, not taking my eyes off Jesus, but instead CHOOSING to trust "PLAN GOD."

I've got all these plans piled up sky high

A thousand dreams on hold

And I don't know why,

I got a front row seat

To the longest wait

And I just can't see

Past the things I pray

Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are

Then every doubt I feel

Deep in my heart

Grows strangely dim

All my worries fade

And fall to the ground

Cause when I seek Your face

And don't look around

Any place I'm in

Grows strangely dim

Sometimes where I stand

On this narrow road

Is in a raging storm

Or a valley low

But oh oh oh oh oh oh

When I fix my eyes on all that You are

Then every doubt I feel

Deep in my heart

Grows strangely dim

All my worries fade

And fall to the ground

Cause when I seek Your face

And don't look around

Any place I'm in

Grows strangely dim

I don't know, I don't know

What tomorrow may hold

But I know, but I know

That You're holding it all

So no matter what may come

I'm gonna fix my eyes on all that You are

'Til every doubt I feel

Deep in my heart

Grows strangely dim

Let all my worries fade

And fall to the ground

I'm gonna seek Your face

And not look around

Til the place I'm in

Grows strangely, strangely, strangely dim.