Every. Mile. Matters.

Warning…Grab a cup of coffee or FIVE. This is a LONG one.

Sometimes I wish life could be a little less “exciting.” I wouldn’t mind “boring” for a change every now and then…

In my last post I poured out a broken heart.

A weary heart.

A tired heart.

A fearful heart. 

SO much has happened in the past month, and to be honest I really don’t have words to describe the emotions I’m feeling.  Also, my feelings change every two seconds and it probably doesn’t help that I’m a girl—YAY camp “Estro” ;) In the past week I have had moments of devastation as well as great moments of hope. Oh the rollercoaster we call “life!”

Two things have been weighing on me heavily.

1) My career (or lack of haha!)

2) My health (or lack of hahahaha!)

Humor gets me through sometimes…or all the time! And now I’ll address both of these things…

Soooo the past few weeks I found myself interviewing for a position related to international education.  After the first interview I was still a little hesitant about whether or not it was a good fit and if I would enjoy the job in general.  I mean the job post literally said “bachelor’s, education, Spanish, cross cultural experiences…) which is already definitely pointing in my direction pretty directly, but still…

After the second interview I had this, “ohmygosh…every experience I’ve had prepares me for this job in some way….” moment.  Annndd “I think I might WANT this job.” WHOA.

I had to prepare some samples as well as respond to a sample case situation as part of the process and just last week I had the final interview.  The next day I was offered the job and it was a HARD decision…

Because I’m paralyzed in fear. Moving toward actual teaching again paralyzes me. And moving away from teaching paralyzes me. I’ve been burned.  I have scars.  Basically I’m paralyzed in fear about moving…any direction. 

Much like signing up for the Ironman race, you want to do it until you’re facing a computer screen pressing the registration tab…suddenly you get cold feet. Are you SURE you realllyyyy want to do this?

(Side note: I am a commitment phobe as it is, so this situation has exasperated it. Also there was sooooo much else going through my mind further complicating things that I will get to in a moment…)

I eventually decided that it might not be the vision I had known all these years, but that’s ok.  NOTHING in my life has been “on my radar.” NOTHING in my life has turned out the “way it was supposed to.”

Living in Florida.

Hit by car.

Live by the beach-and actually LIKE it?!
Drive a HOT PINK convertible.

NO WAY?! If you would have told me these things five years ago I would have laughed in yo face!  This was not the life I envisioned.  But you know what??!!

It’s BETTER! 

So I’m going for it! I accepted the position and will be helping support teachers who are part of an international exchange program.  This includes logistics such as housing as well as professionally with methodologies in the classroom.  It will also include planning events and orientations as well.  I start in a few weeks with my FIRST business trip to North Carolina J  (even though my office will be closer-WPB).  I'm excited to meet the team that I will be working with as well as those that I have already talked to. 

At this point there is no looking back…I can face the road ahead with a “this is plan B and I’m still hurt” or I can face it with “this is a new opportunity and I’m going to have a positive attitude and do the best job I can NOT because I work for man, but everything I do is for Christ.”

This is where the post title comes in.  The past month or so I have been listening to a few songs by Nicole Nordeman and one of her songs is called “Every Mile Mattered.”  The chorus reminds us that we are not meant to live in the past. We are meant to move on.  The things that happened and the roads we take change us and make us who we are, but they do not define us or what we will become.  My favorite part is the very end:

And every road and every bend

Every bruise and bitter end

All you squandered, all you spent

It mattered, it mattered

Mercy always finds a way

To wrap your blisters up in grace

And every highway you'd erase

It mattered, it mattered

But it's history

It don't define you

You're free to leave

It all behind you

Every tear brought you here

Every sorrow gathered

It's history

And every mile mattered

Every mile mattered

That’s kind of where my heart is.  I’m learning to move on. I’m learning that it’s ok to hurt. It matters. BUT I cannot bring the pain with me. I can bring the lessons learned with me instead.  I move forward with a changed heart-a heart more prepared to do the will of my Father.

SO that’s very much been the “job front” of things lately.  New adventures in the horizon.  Now to add to the excitement, there’s been QUITE a bit of health adventures as well…

I have TOS-Thoracic Outlet Syndrome.  Is it common? NO. But when it does occur it is usually 1) in athletes that play sports with repetitive overhead motions….OR 2) in individuals that have suffered trauma such as fractured collarbones. BOTH things that accurately describe ME.

ANYWAY…

When I was in shoulder physical therapy last year I noticed something.  Certain exercises would make my arm go numb within seconds.  I would tell my therapist “Umm I’m numb, is this normal?”  The answer would be “No..let’s do this exercise instead.”  I really didn’t think too much about it-it didn’t seem to be getting in the way of rehab and I still had good range of motion in my shoulder.

A few months after shoulder rehab ended I had therapy on my neck to help with the pain caused by the 3 disc herniations in my cervical spine.  For the first time in a year I could turn my head to the left.  SO much relief I cannot even tell you!  But while I was in therapy for that I was still having arm numbness and my doctor finally said “I think you have TOS.” 

We talked about how to cope with this issue and manage it from day to day.  And that’s what I was ready to do. Manage chronic pain. 

But a few months later symptoms started to progress and get worse.  I was starting to deal with a constant dull ache near my collarbone.  Occasionally my arm would be in pain and go numb for a few seconds, but the episodes never lasted more than a few seconds.  No big deal.

I ignored these small hints something was not right because YOUR BODY WAS SLAMMED AGAINST A FREAKING CAR, SO DUHHH IT’S GOING TO HAVE ACHES AND PAINS EVERY NOW AND THEN, RIGHT?!!

Denial?  Maybe…I was enjoying my break from doctors for a while! 3 months of BLISS J

Then my body decided to shout at me so I would finally listen.

 I was driving over the Thanksgiving break and my kind of numb “normal” became “I cannot lift my arm or grab onto the steering wheel.”  My purse felt like it was 50 pounds as I attempted to lift it.  My whole arm was so heavy.  My collarbone throbbed and intense shooting pains when down my arm into my hand.  When I came home I went to seek immediate treatment to see if I needed to go to ER. I was put on steroids and was scheduled to see some neck specialists as well as a neurologist over the next few days. 

The next weeks consisted of constant testing and MRI’s.  Although TOS was suspected from the beginning, we still needed to rule out other issues with the neck and nerve doctors.  Eventually (2 months later, numerous doctors appointments later) it was confirmed-Yes, it was in fact TOS and I needed to go to a thoracic surgeon.

And that is what I’ve been doing the past few weeks: Meeting with surgeons to discuss surgery. The doctors have slightly different thoughts on why this occurs and what risks I have if I don’t have the surgery—blood clots or nerve damage. Fortunately the “solution” is to remove the first rib and muscle and scar tissue. Actually one doctor wants to do this on BOTH sides, not just my injured right side…Greeeeeaaaatttt!  (Disney built this hospital...and YES you can tell!!)

Is this an easy surgery? NO.  I have been told that it is very painful with the first few weeks basically being “two weeks of hell.” SO that’s something to look forward to right?!

Honestly the pain part is not what scars me. The risks of permanent damage scare me a heck of a lot more.  Permanent nerve damage, breathing issues the rest of my life...Yes this is rare, but as I always say: "Odds don't work in my favor..." (in the sense that if it's negatively rare, it is going to happen to me)

I have been so appreciative of friends asking how they can help.  It has been one of my biggest fears of surgery. Who will surround me? I just want to know that I am not facing this alone.  I’ve told people that right now I need people to be strong for me because it is hard to be strong for myself.  I am more afraid then I have ever been.  But where fear is great, the Lord is greater.   

So getting back to the job story for a moment…I was literally crying on my way to the final interview thinking about when to have the surgery and just being FREAKING scared of it because, well HELLO! I kinda like my ribs..

It has just been a lot to have both these things come to a head at the same time.  Next week I will be back at the Orlando hospital to do some testing to see blood clot risks.  If I wake up with a blood clot there is no decision to be made. I’ll need immediate surgery or lose my arm.  Some days I wish God only allowed us to face one difficult challenge at a time.  Sometimes we are fighting battles on every front...

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 0 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.”

-2 Corinthians 4:8-10

 

I’m not really sure what is going to happen and when it will happen.  I’m just taking it one step at a time right now. One decision at a time. One bridge at a time. 

 These job changes and health difficulties MATTER.  God is using each and every mile in my story and it will be part of my testimony.  One day I pray that I look back at these difficult miles and see God's hand in and through it all.  I pray that one day I will hear my child crying and lift him/her up and hold him/her in my own arms and I will praise God that he restored me and brought me through the pain to have the ability to hold my children.  

Thank you all for your prayers! Please continue to pray. That is the MOST you can do. Pray for wisdom in all this. Pray for this transition in my new position and that it would be smooth. Pray for guidance from the doctors.  Pray for courage and strength and healing.