What I Deserve

When I was in high school, I struggled to understand why I was born in to a life of material wealth while there are SO many in the world who are born into EXTREME poverty.  In way, it frustrated me, and I started to question God and his “goodness.”  After all, it wasn’t fair by my standard…and God follows MY standards, right?!  Absolutely NOT!

This was one of many “road-blocks” in my walk as a Christian.  I often failed to “let GOD be GOD.”  I looked at Him like any other person-needing to earn MY trust and JUSTIFY himself to me.  If it didn’t make sense to ME, it didn’t make sense. Period.  (Wow even typing that seems ridiculous to me…)

My life is filled with blessings…blessings that I have become SO incredibly accustomed to.  I never worry if there will be food on my plate, and there is always a roof over my head. These “basics” would be unimaginable to the world’s poorest people.  Almost half the world — over three billion people — live on less than $2.50 a day.          

The other day I was convicted that I’ve become entitled to these things…and more.  I can't remember exactly what thoughts went through my head, but I know I was driving and thought, "whoooaa girl, you are feeding yourself lies right now."  I also find myself giving credit of my success to myself.  I have always prided myself in working hard.  I might not be the smartest or have the most talent, but I will try to “out-work” anyone.  Often hard work goes a long way, but it doesn’t mean I deserve anything.  For example, I do not deserve to go to college because I studied and got good grades in high school.  It is a gift and a privilege to further my education in hopes of serving God through the vocation He has called me to.  I am in NO way deserving, I am blessed.

Living in the culture we do, thankfulness has to become intentional.  We are always reminded how much we don’t have and how much we should have because we deserve it. It is hard not to fall into these traps and lies.  We must constantly put the lens of “gratitude” over our hearts.

So how did I break down the wall that questioned God and his distribution of material blessings?  Honestly, it had to do with the “faith” part of our “Christian Faith.” I don’t know why God has given me what he has compared to others.  BUT, it is not my job to Know.  Sound familiar?!  (If you read my last post you get this haha!).  My job is to be the best steward of the blessings and resources I have received from Him.  It's still a "work-in-progress," and I'm often trying to figure out exactly what that means in my life.  

Notice I wrote, “the blessing and resources” not “my blessing and resources.”  After all, we are stewards, NOT owners. He gives and He takes away. 

What have I done to deserve this life? 

The answer is NOTHING.

What do I really deserve?

The answer is DEATH. 

This is truly what I deserve.  I have sinned.  I have fallen short of perfection.  I have failed to follow God’s commandments.  My guilt SHOULD condemn me to an eternity in Hell. 

PRAISE JESUS I DON’T HAVE TO RECEIVE WHAT I DESERVE.  Instead my Savior intercedes on my behalf and I am bought with the precious blood of Christ.  My debt has been paid! My guilt is no more!

Waiting

At a sermon last week, our pastor talked about times when we are in the “waiting room of life.”  Being in this room myself right now, it was extremely relevant and a great reminder to me.  The main take-away was:

While we are waiting, God is working.

We’ve all had these times in life, some more than others. Times when you just don’t know what’s around the corner.  We sit in the waiting room wondering what doors will be opened, or maybe many doors are opened and we are trying to figure out the right door to walk through. 

Times like these can be really stressful.  As a “lover of control,” I haven’t always dealt with the unknown very well.  I try to plan, plan, plan and jump at every opportunity to avoid “the wait.” Instead, sometimes in life we need to be still and know that God is at work…even if we feel like nothing is happening. 

My mom and I were talking about this the other day.  I was expressing concern about so much being a question mark right now and being at a crossroad in life.  I feel like I have plan A, plan, B, plan C all mapped out.  We talked about different possibilities, but there was NO sense of urgency whatsoever.  I left the conversation feeling at peace.  Completely at peace.  We decided that I would take it as it comes, and cross bridges if and when they need to be crossed. 

I am incredibly grateful for the blessing of parents that have supported me 100% in EVERYTHING I’ve done.  Never once did they say, “you can’t do that”…even if what I was doing was a little “out there.”  Cake decorating class-sure.  Tap dancing-ok.  Study and teach abroad-go for it.  Triathlons-let's do it together (ok, only DAD said that, but MOM has been our number 1 cheerleader even buying balloons that said “GO KIM”).  

God is at work right NOW.  He is Always at work. Only He knows what tomorrow will bring.  It is not my job to know everything, it is my job to put my complete trust and confidence in Him.

My car/house key ring has a few key chains on it-all of which are special to me or mean something to me and serve as a reminder.  One of them says, “one day at a time” and that has really been my motto lately.  I try to live life one day at a time because I am not even promised another day on this earth.  I just need to focus on each moment at a time to love others and seek my Savior whole-heartedly.