Beauty for Ashes (My Journey to Healing)

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

~Isaiah 61:3

Hello again! It’s been awhile!  Long time, no type ;)  I have been waiting to tell you this story. As of May 4th,  I have FINALLY reached and signed a legal settlement and PRAISE GOD now I have the FREEDOM to share my struggles this past year since the accident. 

I think by now we all know how it started.  Just a girl on her bike with a car on her right.  BAAAM... now my life had changed…for the BETTER (I just didn’t see it that way…not yet).

Since July, there has so much hurt, pain, anger, bitterness, frustration, and sadness in my heart.  I longed for healing. I longed to move on in my life. I longed for the things I used to take for granted.  Yes, I was full of hopelessness and despair many, many times. Just ask my mom who got to witness meltdown after meltdown…

I saw this quote the other day...and it kind of made me smile...in a morbid way I guess??!

There were SO MANY questions and SO MANY unknowns.  We did not know what my body would end up needing-both short and long term, and none of the treatments were guaranteed.  Everything had risks.  Everything had pros and cons.  It was overwhelming for someone who naturally wants to make the right decision.  What if there was no right or wrong? Just different…and either way you have to live with the decision you make…

Everything we tried was conservative at first.  From early August to late October I did physical therapy for my shoulder and knee.  I had a few cortisone injections as well.  Did my symptoms improve? YES…but I was still on the fence about “Can I live the REST of my life feeling the way I do now?” 

Everything was put on hold as I went up to Chicago for a few weeks in November for my grandfather’s funeral and Thanksgiving.  It was great to spend some time with friends over those few weeks, but the day after returning to FL my doctor finally said IT:  “You’ve done everything you can do, but if you’re still feeling…pain and discomfort…I think we need to move forward with arthroscopic repair right now. 

I told the doctor that I needed another month to process things a little bit.  Usually I like to allow myself time to come to terms with a hard/new situation,  BUT I actually found myself stressing like CRAZY!  I cried on and off constantly for 2 weeks.  My imagination was running wild.  The pain did not scare me, but the THOUGHT of anyone going INSIDE my body FREAKED me out.  Just thinking about it made me sick to my stomach. 

One of the hardest parts about facing this surgery was that the doctor did not know the extent of the repair…he told me it could be a 4 month recovery or an 8 month recovery.  We won’t really know until we are literally operating.  I will make the calls while we are “in there” (yeaaaahhh, not the most comforting thing to hear….a LOT of unknown about recovery and the difference between 4 to 8 months is HUGE.  Like we used to say in Mexico..”SUPER MEGA WOW!”  and YES they really say that phrase there using “American slang haha!)

Instead of waiting a whole month to see my doctor again, I eventually came to the conclusion that “at this point, it is a matter of when, not if” so let’s just get this thing done and move on with my life. Also, when you're in a legal case, you don't really have options...you follow doctors orders when they give them to you or you don't.  I was tearing myself apart wondering if maybe the pain was all in my head…until I had a moment in the grocery store where an intense pain shot down my arm as I reached and grabbed a carton of almond milk…I KNEW it had to be done.   I gave up my plan to teach until summer break as well as my dream of running Boston and made an appointment right away.  I needed to do what had to be done.

My doctor was great and we sat down so I could ask anything I wanted to.  I had no interest in learning what he was going to be doing surgically (fearing for my oh so squeamish stomach), so I mostly asked about the recoveries of different scenarios.  After I asked them to schedule the surgery ASAP. 

ASAP was December 23^rd Christmas Eve Eve. 

To be honest, I don’t really remember much about this day.  I didn't sleep well and ended up watching Jimmy Fallon "Hashtags" and "Do Not Read" on youtube starting at about 4 AM.  Once I got to the hospital (at 6:30 AM…and I WAS STARVING already…this is what happens when you are not allowed to eat!), I was quickly hooked up to the IV and they sedated me almost immediately because I was getting pretty emotional and worked up about it all.  Let me tell you…THOSE DRUGS WORK!! I don’t remember getting my nerve block.  I briefly remember my doctor coming in and signing my shoulder.  I do remember being taken to the operating room (oh, and “asking the doctor if I would wake up in the middle of surgery because I was HUNGRY!”  He said, “You won’t wake up…trust me.”  I must have been really concerned because apparently I asked this multiple times haha!)

Next thing I knew I was waking up in this “other room.”  It wasn’t the recovery room but the in-between room.  This is where I was in a LOT of discomfort.  I couldn’t move, I wanted to throw up, my throat was SO dry/scratchy and I was really confused about where I was.  I asked where I was and spent my time in there crying and moaning.  I was MISERABLE.  Finally I was taken to the recovery room (it was late afternoon at this point) and saw my mom.  I asked her to play Michael Buble’s Christmas CD-which helped me take my mind off my discomfort.  She tried to feed me some crackers and juice, but the nausea was AWFUL.  

Eventually I was allowed to leave and my mom helped me get dressed (side note: FL is an awesome place to have shoulder surgery...you can wear tube tops in Dec and not freeze!).  She drove me home and instead of going inside, I asked to walk around the block.  Standing helped relieve the nausea temporarily.  Then my mom took me to Panera and I ordered a turkey chili with extra bread.  I was STARVING still and ate it all…and then threw it all up 15 mins later.  Gahhhh!! (PS who in the right mind orders chili after surgery?!...like not "clear liquid" or bland at ALL! Major fail Kim--I blame it on the drugs!)

The first few weeks were hard.  I could not sleep normally. My lower back did not like sleeping in a recliner AT ALL.  We put Finny's bed next to the couch so I could have some company.  I remember waking up in the middle of the night and he would put his little nose on my leg.  Bless his little furry heart haha ;)  It was hard to be so dependent on my poor mother. My mom had to hold a bowl of cereal for me as I ate it with my left hand (can you say “pathetic?”).  Most things made me super nauseous in those first few days (even COFFEE...GASP!), but I found myself craving smoothies, matzos, and Colby jack cheese…basically my post-op diet for WEEKS!  I sat next to the ice machine All. The. Time. to help with the swelling.  It still makes an appearance in my living room once in a while...

I really didn’t need the pain medication and only ended up taking it 2x. Honestly the side effects (like puking...) weren't worth it.  Tylenol was enough.  One of my highlights was getting my hair washed at Great Clips a few days after surgery when I still had stitches.  I felt SO clean for the first time in days…oh, and talking my "chauffeur" into stopping at Starbucks almost every day.  Even getting a complimentary "sympathy coffee."  Finny loved getting his puppuccino too ;)

...AND YES-totally wearing eyeliner a mere 20 hours after surgery. I practiced putting it on with my LEFT hand as soon as I knew I would be having surgery...priorities!! 

Soon I was already felt more comfortable than before.  I was sleeping better than I did before surgery.  I KNEW without a doubt that this was the right choice! I did have a “fever” the week after surgery, so I almost had to take a trip to the emergency room…we just kept in touch with my doctor abut it and eventually determined that I would be ok.  That’s probably the downside to “holiday-timed surgeries.” The doctors at the office were out and we had no one to go to in case of infection.  I enjoyed going out and about for short errands, church, etc. because I HATED being confined to a couch, but I would get tired a lot more quickly.  A short trip to Publix would result in nap time when I got home. 

After 2 weeks I got my stitches out…THE BEST THING EVERRRRR….They were sooo insanely itchy! Then I started physical therapy round 2…I be like: Boooo!  It was hard to feel like I was starting from zero again, but soon I was doing things that I had done before the surgery and it felt SO MUCH better.  My therapists were amazed at how quickly I was progressing.  Before I knew it I was able to be in the classroom as well as train for Boston!  On March 9^th I was finally officially done with PT round 2!!! I was thrilled to say the least. In April I really started to feel "strong" again, and I have continued to improve.  The past few weeks I have gotten in the water a few times and things have been going well there too.  I'm still not quite "body builder" status yet...but will keep workin' on it ;) 

As all of these things were happening, my head told me that I needed to trust God, but “prone to wander,” I had such a hard time truly letting go of everything.  All I could think of was all that I had lost...and all the "should be's." This was NOT the way life was supposed to go.  This was not the body I was supposed to have at the age of 24.  

I wanted to complain.  I saw people doing things in their lives, having careers, getting married, living..meanwhile I needed my mom to lift my arm to rest on a pillow and was fighting with my physical therapist because "the 2 lb weight is too heavy!"  I know that so many people have it so much worse and I have NOTHING to complain about, but I'm just sharing where my heart struggled.  Comparison was a theft in my joy, and I have been continually praying admitting this struggle and asking God to forgive me and help me in this. 

As I have been in prayer lately (which has definitely been a blessing in all this- as I have come to depend on Him so much more), the verse came to mind about rejoicing in our suffering because suffering produces perseverance.  Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming rush of love come over me.  And it hit me.  God loves me SO much, and it's because He loves me that he has blessed me with this trial.  Like a gift, I get to endure this trial. I get to seek dependence upon Christ more deeply then ever before.  I get to experience Christ's strength in my weakness.   I get to have my faith refined.  I get to develop perseverance that I could never find in my own pursuits..even ironman.

All these things will lead to true success-becoming more like Christ.  To become more like Christ, we must lose our identity and find our new identity in Christ.  He becomes our reason.  He becomes our desire.  Things in this world lose all importance in our hearts.

Looking back, I know that I was finding myself as the source of my confidence.  I wouldn't have said, "Oh yes, I have everything in control," but that's basically what my heart was saying.  I was following the plan I created...with an assumption that God was riding shotgun in the car I was driving.  Sure, I talked to him, but I wasn't letting him steer.  I didn't need him to (or so I thought).  I got this.  My body was strong, my mind was strong.

And then I got to eat a huge piece of humble pie.  I realized how weak I am.  I realized that I never had things in control.  I realized that I had been clinging to things of this world with a strong grip that God needed to pry open.  I needed to be broken.  I needed to break.

Sometimes I think it's easy to pray for "God's will" and "God's plan" in our lives, BUT when we have to endure hard things that God has for us, we realize how dangerous 

of a prayer that really is.  

I want to become a strong Oak tree...one that has endured...one that has persevered...one that has weathered the storms and withstood the test of time...one that has seen the seasons changed, but remained firmly rooted.

Are there lasting effects causing chronic pain? Simply put: Yes. My body will never be the same.  Some days are harder than others, but my doctors have done a great job helping me "cope" with the ongoing issues. 

 Life has continued to "slap me around," and at times I feel that the waves of life are relentlessly crashing over me.  BUT the hardest "worst" things in my life have been the "best" things in my life.  I walked away from that experience (as well as this whole year) stronger in SO many ways.  God's bootcamp works ;)  

Today I type this already witnessing beauty come from these ashes. This has become part of my story and part of my testimony.  It actually became quite comical(?) in PT when people asked why I was there...the look on their faces when I said "car and bike" was PRICELESS...apparently trying to save your bike isn't normal either...) 

A girl I had seen at PT a few times and knew my "unfortunate accident" once how I keep smiling through all this...and my only response was that "My joy is not dependent on circumstances, my joy is dependent upon truth. His truth." 

Occasionally others that mean well and out of encouragement will say, "Don't worry, things will get better." And to that I respond, "Not necessarily...we aren't promised things will get better."  This is not to sound pessimistic, but to realize that God doesn't promise a life of "butterflies and roses." In fact, He warns us that we will face hardships in this world.  

I don't want to just put my head down and wait for the storms to pass...because there is no guarantee that the storms will ever pass.  Maybe I'll get Cancer next year and spend the rest of my life in the hospital. I don't know what God has for me, but I may have many challenges ahead. The point of me saying this-again, not to be negative-is that I want to come to a place where I would be OK about having a "hard life" knowing that it would bring glory to Christ. No, things might not get better, but He will be standing in the fire along side me no matter what. That is encouragement based in TRUTH.

Yes, I have not had a year of "butterflies and roses," but when I think about eternity, this "hard year," is really the BEST year of my life.  My relationship with Christ has grown so much over the past year through the "hard" in ways it never would have grown through the "easy."  This year I was not going through the valley at all...God was guiding me to the mountain top. 

So there you have it...my physical and mental journey over much of the past year.  It's been a crazy time, but I look back with so much thankfulness, gratitude and joy in my heart. And now I look forward with hope-not in my future, but in the One that holds my future...