Even When It Hurts

I know God gets us to that place where the rubber meets the road. Are you going to trust the Lord with what's ahead, even though nothing you hoped for, intended for or planned for happened? Know that the Lord can take broken situations to build your character and prepare you for the promise. In the midst of that, the Lord showed me that even if the promise didn't come to pass, what was more valuable was discovering the truth and rock-solid nature of God's presence. The fact that we have access to God just as we are blows my mind. God loves us that much and delights over us, and He restores our mistakes and weaknesses and makes them purposeful for His glory. That's who He is and what He does. (Meredith Andrews)

I’ve stared at a blank page…unable to even begin to write.  So much hurt. So much pain. The words wouldn’t come…

So here I am finally attempting to pour my heart out once again.  Side note: Start a blog?! God WILL give you plentyyyy of material ;)

Last year was incredibly difficult for me.  But as the spring rolled around I finally felt like I had two feet on the ground again.  I was excited to “move on” in life and pursue my teaching career.  It was something that I had held onto that year when things were tough (thinking “If I can just get through this, I will get there eventually and how much sweeter it will taste.”). 

I never thought this would happen. I never thought my first full time teaching career would end this way…

In resignation

For the privacy of the situation, I will share no more. And I do ask that you would respect that. I will only say this. My heart is broken. My trust is broken. 

Broken.

For as long as I can remember I have desired to be a teacher.  I LOVED everything about teaching in college, student teaching, etc.  Making a bulletin board was thrilling!  Filming my “Classroom Expectations” video was a great weekend activity (PS-the kids at the school enjoyed it soooo much…they showed it to their parents and wanted me to make another haha!) Planning lessons and finding materials and books? LOVED it.  Working with the kids one on one and getting to know them individually?  BEST part!

I loved this job…and THRIVED doing it.

And now?! I have zero (that’s right) zero desire to be in a school.

Wow.

I’m grieving a loss.  A loss of a dream. A loss that I spent 5 years in college pursuing-even traveling abroad to have experiences that could further my skills and abilities b/c the BEST teachers are the BEST learners (I still believe this…).  You stop pursuing excellence when you think you have nothing left to learn and nowhere to grow.

(Am I completely closing the door to teaching?  I don't know...all I can say is that if God leads me in that direction again, that's the path I'll follow...)

My parents have been incredible supporters through this. Reminding me of the story of Joseph and how God will use this for MY good. I've said it before and I will say it again-sometimes God's greatest blessings in our life are wrapped in fear and heartbreak.

“God gave him a dream when he was a teenager, and I'm sure Joseph thought that any day God's promise would be fulfilled and come to pass. He had some maturing and growing to do, and the Lord developed in him maturity and character and sustained him so he could walk in the fullness of God's calling. He had this dream, and then he was taken through training in the low places, if you will. The valley and prison, being sold into slavery and being wrongfully accused. Joseph was in prison 13 years from when God gave him the dream to when it was fulfilled. I believe when Joseph walked out of those prison doors, he wasn't the same as before, and he knew God in a deeper way. He understood the call in his life was not greatness for the sake of greatness, but to glorify God. It was to walk in this abundant life, and walk in who he was created to be.”

When I began teaching this year, a phrase was very clear to me. It was “you are here to break.”  Not the most comforting thing to be told…At the time I did not know what it meant, but I was “at peace” that there would be pain. In a strange way b/c of this my circumstance did not completely surprise me. Here's where I wrote the whole "life doesn't make sense" post. I prayed every single drive to school-telling the Lord that I cannot do this alone. I would open the door to my room and wait a second before entering-as a reminder that someone greater than myself needed to enter the room first.

After leaving my job I did what I do to deal with things..I RAN!  4.5 hours or 30 miles to be exact.  I ran as if running away from life.  As if hoping that maybe maybe this wasn't really happening. But it was and even 30 miles didn't prepare me to face the reality. Now days were spent praying, reading scripture and listening to hours and hours of Hillsong.

My Spirit was calm…almost too calm.  I was like, “God I can’t wait for THIS Ebenezer. I mean if God can make getting hit by a car one of the best things that ever happened to me, I have full confidence that He can do that with any situation.  Looking back I'm grateful for the challenges in that trial that has given me hope in this one.  I love when friends tell me I'm not the same person I used to be (in a good way haha!)...because I shouldn't be! I want God to be continually refining me and changing me the way he needs to...painful as it may be.  That's what I committed to the day I gave my life to Christ.  

God was putting so many things on my heart.  For the first time in my life I was SILENT.  I had nothing to present to the Lord. I just opened my hands and LET HIM do the talking. OVER and OVER I listened to “Christ is Enough.”  Reminding me that Jesus is all I will ever need and He alone sustains and gives me purpose in life…no career will ever fulfill me as Jesus does.  Here I was (and am) with ZERO direction about my future in life, but KNOWING my purpose in life more than ever before.

And that is to pursue Christ with my whole being.

Then, just as last year, I realized that this trial is another opportunity to experience Christ and His love more than ever before. I feel incredibly blessed that the Lord has given me such amazing “rock bottom” experiences that I would have never chosen for myself.  I get to experience pain-both physical and emotional all because God loves us SO much to reveal himself in these hard times.  

I remember telling God that this was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to be the “perfect little girl who went to school and knew what she wanted to be and got a job and everything went well just like everyone else.”  And then I felt God shot down that lie as quickly as I thought it with “I DON’T CARE that you’re not who you were supposed to be according to YOUR standards…I care about your HEART and your heart would NOT be submitted to me the way it is now IF you were doing life “perfectly” right now.” BAM

Arguing with God always seems to end "walking away with my tail between my legs" ;) but seriously...

As much as I KNOW that God is near to me, my heart does not always feel it. Feelings are not truth, but it has been a daily struggle.  Some days are harder than others, and I find myself believing lies that Satan uses to distract my focus from Jesus.  It has been hard, really hard.  As I have been struggling with emotional healing there has also been recent physical struggles that I will not get into much now.  Basically issues from the accident that I was told would need to be “addressed” eventually, but we were hoping years down the road-not months.  It’s like I’m fighting a battle on every front right now. I’ve been on different medications to get through the discomfort, but the side effects of those can be awful…not even worth it? They can leave me dizzy and exhausted-like sleep 12 hours to still be tired/loopy. Once after taking a medication I found myself incredibly nauseous shaking and lying on the floor.  In that moment I started to pray and plead with God to just let me die.  Such a dark place to be…

I also want to say here that I have been sought professional help during this time. And again, there are so many people around me that have been encouraging and lifting me up in prayer-something I realized that I am extremely blessed to have.

I am writing this post much as a therapeutic reminder to myself.  Reminding myself the truth that my heart struggles to cling to during this storm.  May it help encourage me to keep pressing on and may it serve as an encouragement to you as well.  I do not know the next steps. I do not know which direction to turn.  My life is very much “up in the air” right now—better stated “in God’s hand’s as always.” I just pray that God would restore me, heal me, rescue me and comfort me right now. 

The phrase “pursue me fearlessly” has been on my heart the past few months, and that is what I am praying God would give me the strength and wisdom to do-whatever that means. I can already feel him opening up this box that I had put my life inside of. Scary? Yes...but there's also a sense of freedom as he removes the things I once was clinging to...

 For awhile I had felt like a victim...and I was kind of (actually REALLY) bitter about "why am I always suffering from someone else's actions. The world is here to hurt me and knock me down over and over." It's left me numb in a sense...scared and cautious with the thought that I will just be hurt again no matter what I do. I wrestled with this a lot...I'm either a victim or the one at fault right?!  By choosing victim we can blame those that hurt us, but by choosing to be the one responsible we trick ourselves into thinking we had control all along (comforting) and begin to blame ourselves for things that we really had no control over.  To keep from harvesting bitterness in my heart against others, I usually err on the side of "it's my fault and I deserved this."  

Then I read an article that totally redefined my definition of being a victim.  It talked about how you might have been a victim at one moment, but you can chose to be a survivor.  Yes someone else hurt you (you are not at fault), but you have moved on and you have found strength to continue despite whatever happened.  But it is a choice to move from victim to survivor.  A conscious choice. 

 I was a victim...but now I choose to move forward as a survivor. I challenge you to be a survivor too...however you have been hurt, whoever has hurt you...keep fighting to move forward and let forgiveness reign in your heart...

My struggle now is to continue to process and work through things, BUT also look around me at how I can serve others and focus on them.  When I get too inwardly focused I start to self destruct in my own pit of self-pity.  

“Lord, I give up my own plans and purposes, all my own desires, hopes and ambitions, and I accept Thy will for my life. I give up myself, my life, my all, utterly to Thee, to be Thine Forever. I hand over to Thy keeping all of my friendships; all the people whom I love are to take second place in my heart. Fill me now and seal me with Thy Spirit. Work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, for to me to live is Christ. Amen.” -Betty Scott Stam

I leave you with this song that I have played a lot lately-like on repeat when I go running.  It reminds me that even when things seem as dark as they are and hope is no where to be seen, God is still good and worthy of praise.