Waiting to Fail

I have always been one of those people.  The people that are always expecting the worst to happen.

(We call it preparing for the worst-as if we are just being realistic not pessimistic)

I realized that I developed this way of thinking when I was in high school.  For example, in Biology class (science is NOT one of my strengths…) I would literally hyperventilate waiting to get a test back.  I thought, “ I’m sure I did bad on the test, that means my grade will go down, that means I’ll have to do really well on the final….”  YES, my thoughts went from a single unit test all the way to the end of the semester because I was expecting…err I mean “preparing” to make up for a failure that had not even occurred yet.

The classroom was not the only place where I had learned to expect failure.  The pool was also where I learned to hold low expectations so that I would never be disappointed.  I was scared to set goals, fearing that they might not be attainable.  I tended to hold myself back from going all out, fearing that my best would not be good enough.  The same thing continued in triathlon as I have kept my goals conservative.

When I graduated last year, I half-jokingly told people that I really did not believe that I would make it to this point.  In reality, I truly was convinced that at some point in the process, my professors and cooperating teachers would realize that I was a fraud.  I was faking my abilities all along and was not capable of being a teacher.  That’s right, I was waiting to fail. 

As each semester passed, I “knew” that the next semester would be THE semester (when they will find out).  I also couldn’t believe that they hadn’t figured t out by now.  Even after receiving awards and encouragement, I did not let it comfort me.  I had made my mind up that I was not going to make it. This might be coming as a shock to you-I did not verbally admit this often.

What makes some people adopt this mindset? The mindset that causes us to live in fear and self-doubt.  I thought about this long and hard…probably on one of my seemingly endless training rides when the mind wanders.  I don’t claim to know “the answers."  I'm not a philosopher and these are just some of my thoughts:

On the one hand, I see a lack of confidence.  As a Christian, we need to have confidence in 1) GOD 2) God’s plan and 3) The gifts/talents that God gives us.  I do not need to “believe in myself” more, but need to “believe in God” more.  There’s a difference.  When I am worried about not living up to some standards that I or other humans have created, I fail to see God’s hand and control in my situation.  I love the quote that “God does not call the equipped, he equips the called.”   If God’s plan is for me to be a teacher, then he will equip me with the abilities (that I must put into use) that are necessary to teach. 

On the other hand, I see a problem with pride.  This ties in with a lack of confidence in the right things because pride encourages us to put confidence in ourselves.  In times of success we give ourselves all the credit and all the glory, but with that failure brings all the guilt and all the shame.  We don’t want to be seen as weak and want to accomplish it all ourselves.

AND with both of these I see a problem with definitions of success and failure.  

We tend to measure everything we do as successful or unsuccessful, these are just labels we attach to things depending on if they go the way we think they should go.  I think that a lot of “success” can be found in “failure” as God can use our struggles, falls, and scars to lead us in a different direction or help us learn something.  Personally I know that God has used my failures and weaknesses to strengthen me and force me to find my worth and identity in Christ.

If your identity and worth is found in Christ, than nothing on Earth you do (or don’t do) will affect your confidence.  Nothing will define you-no job, no athletic achievement, etc. and “successes” and “failures” will merely become tools that He uses in your life.

Honestly, I’m tired of fearing things.  I’m tired of fearing disappointments that will shake me. But I CAN CHOOSE.  I can chose to work hard with the gifts God has given me without fearing the outcome or deciding what the outcome should be- Instead I trust that He knows what is in my best interest.