My Random Theories

Ok, so I think it’s about time to have a random post.

Over the years I’ve come up with a few “theories” of my own ON LIFE.   Nothing specific-just some random ideas I've consistently had.  If you know me pretty well, then I’m sure some of these will NOT come as a surprise.  I know some  might sound crazy, but if they weren't crazy, then they would be created yours truly!  So read and enjoy… and DON’T JUDGE! Here we go!! 

1)  Cereal goes with ANYTHING

I have NEVER met a food that did not taste good with cereal.  Don’t ask me to choose a favorite-I refuse to pick JUST ONE!! (I may have a current favorite-right now it’s cinnamon chex).  Cereal is perfect dry, with milk, with cottage cheese, with almond butter, the list goes on….  Feel free to get creative with any combination.  YOU CAN’T GO WRONG!

2) A Man Is Officially Bald If His “Bald-Spot” Meets His Hairline

This one’s for you Daddy (poor dad, we always give him a hard time about his hair loss).  I tell him his days are numbered as his hairline is moving closer and closer to his bald-spot. 

3) Colors DO NOT Have Genders

Pink is a color that EVERYONE can enjoy!  I had this discussion with a second grader once when he told me that pink is a girl’s color!  I was like, as YOUR TEACHER I’m going to set you straight!  I told him that pink is a color for EVERYONE-not just girls!

4) Tough GIRLS and Guys Wear Pink

While we’re on the color topic: the power of pink is real people!  Training in pink or with pink nails helps me push through.  The other day the lifeguard at the pool commented on my large pink tote I brought with all my swim stuff.  It was stuffed to max and he mentioned that I need a bigger sports bag.  I was like, “yeah, but another bag wouldn’t be as cute…duh!!”

5) Bunk-Beds Are Perfect For Married Couples

Ok, so I totally admit that I have NO PERSONAL experience with this one, and that’s why it is a THEORY!  BUT I believe in sleep.  “Quality over quantity” (I’d rather be up less hours in the day but be fully awake/present when I am up).  Marriage should not mean a sacrifice in sleep-at least it better not for me.  I do not sleep well when I share a bed, therefore separate beds are the way to go!  I'm not a pleasant person when I don't have sleep(...or coffee!).  I’m sure you’re thinking “Good luck finding a husband Kim” and to that I answer “I’m in no rush!” 

6)  Growing Up In a Cold Climate DOES NOT make you USED TO the Cold-You Just Get USED TO Complaining About It

If I got a dollar for every time I have said this….

Yes, I am from Chicago.  Yes, I AM STILL FREEZING!!  How did I survive you ask?  Well, it wasn’t easy.  I would just run from the car to the building every time I had to be outside.  (Maybe was the start of my running career?!)

7)  Sharks Want To Attack People…And They Can Be Found Anywhere

Two years ago I watched “When Sharks Attack.” Sharks that develop a taste for humans are called ROGUE sharks (go ahead, LOOK IT UP!).  That’s right people, they WANT to eat you because you are TASTY!  Also, lakes cannot be trusted to be “shark-free.”  Just think about this: One day a ship is carrying a shark across the lake to be in a new aquarium…but escapes!!!....Now it lives in the LAKE!  It COULD happen-just saying!

8) Depends Underwear Is Not Just For Incontinence Anymore-It Can Be Used To Prevent Car Trip Pit-Stops
I know you probably think I am INSANE at this point, but I TOTALLY want to try this sometime!  My mom and I have talked about our “road trip” inventions (during our 20+ hour trips to Chi)-one of them is a sign that you change on the back of your car that says things like "Move over slowpoke!"   I really have no idea how THIS idea came to my mind!  Oh yeah, now I remember!-Mom and I were watching "Shark Tank!"  Picture this: You’re in the car for hours and you need to stop to pee-AGAIN.  Instead of having to stop-AGAIN, just pee in your depends underwear!  ‘Nuff said!  No I am not on drugs! I’m just tired of having to stop a bajillion times on my 12 hour+ road trips.  And, I guess I’m kind of used to this kind of thing…Peeing in my wetsuit, peeing on the bike...After a race, I have literally sat on the curb and peed (Hey, I'm too tired to look for the potty!...and I'm covered in sweat and gatorade anyway so no one even notices!). I know, this is totally TMI, but now you REALLY get to understand and appreciate all that triathletes do!)

I don’t think anything else can be written after the last one…

Restricted

“To take control of your life again, you found comfort in these…restricting and…disordered habits”

I knew what she was saying was true.  The rest of my life was crumbling around me, and being determined to keep control, I decided to “control” everything I could.  It made sense to hear a professional echo the words that my heart already believed.

“Let’s start with breakfast…or is this too much right now?”

This is ridiculous, I know I can handle that…But I don’t want to. I want to continue in the perfect routine that I have developed.   I want to fight, but I also want to submit…

Please know that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.  Part of me does not want to open myself up to judgement, but pride should not keep me from being vulnerable.  Even though the struggle is still real, my hope is that honesty will bring freedom.  For those that have struggled in similar ways, I pray for healing and support in your journey through recovery.

It was my junior year in college and I was going to weekly nutrition counseling appointments.  After passing out with a reeeally low HR one night (upper 30’s and lower 40’s-which is actually normal for “fit Kim” we discovered-my lowest recorded HR in Tri season was 34 last year!!...anyway...), I was told that I needed to see a cardiologist to check my heart and nutritionist to help make sure my slim frame was not causing heart issues.  I was not allowed to swim without making these appointments…so basically I had to.

I’ve written about my stomach issues in the past (click here), detailing how I had started to fear food in general for causing daily pain.  But, there is more to the story and BOY does it complicate things:

Yes, my food habits had become erratic due to fear, but something else was further driving this need to control.  In the past year, my world had flipped upside down…again and again.  After overtraining my sophomore swim season and causing significant damage to my body, then moving from IL to FL, then moving again in FL, I was completely spent in every sense of the word.  I was coming "home" to a different house every school-break for a year and then spending days in bed with no energy to get up (from adrenal fatigue).  Everything was out of my control, except what I put on my plate…or sometimes what I didn’t.  I can’t really point to a specific time that everything went downhill.  Looking back I see that all these crazy life events impacted me and led me to this.  I had dug myself into a hole.

Slowly I noticed that I had started doing weird/strange things, that I had never done before- like needing to put 4 things on my plate (all had to be different colors).  I had to eat nearly the same thing everyday (like an apple and granola-which had to be in a cup and I had to eat it walking).  It had to be routine-same things at the same time in the same way.  I had to keep everything in my bowl at the same level.  Rituals like that.  I got so anxious going to the cafeteria knowing that I had to pick a “perfect meal” so I went when it was not so crowded so I would not feel as scared.  It was predictable-something I didn’t have anywhere else in my life, and therefore it kept me feeling safe.

All this time I knew that these mental thoughts were NOT normal, but at the same time, anyone that’s had a disorder knows that you can’t simply control your brain and just decide to stop. It’s not that easy.  I had found so much comfort in these compulsions…strange but true.  I’m Type-A and a perfectionist-both personality traits that had helped me succeed had now betrayed me. I couldn't control everything that was happening in my life, so this had become my outlet.  Sad that I needed an outlet instead of trusting God and HIS control in my life.  I manipulated food in order to feel a sense of the power that I had lost.  Succeeding in doing these rituals minimized stress, but failure in the rituals increased stress. As much as counseling helped me fuel better and feel more comfortable adding variety in my meals (the variety that I needed as an athlete), it almost made this worse in a different way.  Now I was terrified that NOT eating completely balanced and perfect meals (with enough fat, carbs, and protein) would result in a complete breakdown of physical strength-much like the breakdown I suffered while overtraining sophomore year when I entered a constant catabolic state for months(when the actual muscle tissue in the body endures lengthened stretches of the catabolic state, it eats away at itself in an attempt to find a source of stored energy).  Almost a whole NEW obsession…

I felt a sense of guilt when I cannot adhere to a perfect plan and same old meals.  It’s stressful to feel hunger and have to decide what to eat when you don’t have a “plan” for a 3:17pm snack.   When I didn’t have a “safe” decision, I didn’t make one.  This probably sounds ridiculous, and believe me I know, but in all honesty: I feared healing almost as much as I feared the disorder.

Let that sink in for a bit…I forgot what it was like to just eat.

Being a swimmer and triathlete has kept me somewhat accountable-I care about my performance too much not to keep trying to adequately fuel by listening to body cues instead of safe and predictable pre-planned schedules.  Coaches and and teamates encouraged me to keep fueling, and I know they meant well.  As an athlete, I have a real desire to fuel properly (meaning whole and real food that will best impact my performance, so yes, in this way I want to keep most my meals “healthy").   I did fuel, just not adaquately.  It was never an "I want to starve myself," instead it was "I care more about my disordered habits than my body signals." If that makes any sense...I’m just now learning to read those body signals and now hunger cues for the first time again after healing from the pseudomonas-which masked hunger with constant pain. (This illness really did impact my relationship with food, and I don't want to downplay that at all with this post. I'm not going to go into detail-for YOUR sake, but just imagine every time you eat thinking not IF, but HOW BADLY is your body going to reject it.)

As you can see, all of these things led me here.  I want food to be scheduled, consistent, healthy, and not cause stomach discomfort-quite a list.  It is definitely complicated even in my own mind-it is multifaceted to say the least.  Trying to do everything perfectly is NOT POSSIBLE, and I’m tired of trying.  I’m also tired of hiding. I can only do it for so long and the shame is real.

You may or may not have heard me share some of this story-telling you what you needed to hear in order to let me be.  Some individuals have been more confrontational (at times with accusations) and to be honest, I needed the confrontation. But I also needed support and someone to confront me with a listening ear. I needed people to come “around me” instead of come “at me.”   After all, I wasn’t even sure what I was trying to do at times…or even why I developed the disordered behaviors.  I shared with those who made it clear that they were going to LISTEN and were willing to hear the whole-confusing-crazy story.  In these situations, you need to approach individuals with understanding instead of criticism.  It's not a simple choice-you don't choose to have a disorder.  Putting someone on the defense will not help him or her open up.  It also makes the situation worse to feel self-conscious that you are always being watched and judged.  I avoided people at all cost that would label me or comment on my behavior-even family members. When someone made a snap judgment, I felt more ashamed, shut down and then wanted to give up entirely.  When someone simply said (or demanded) "eat this" or "eat that" I wanted to scream, "you don't understand!"  So keep that in mind and don’t make assumptions when you think someone is struggling-you don’t know their whole story.

Admitting my struggle and seeing where I went wrong (after being able to look back more objectively now) has allowed recovery and healing to begin.  I am much more aware when I see my mind trying to perfect all my actions in different areas-which happens.  Compulsive behavioir can find its way into lots of things! I am not in denial or blind to this anymore.  It’s ok to be a schedule-loving person, but when you get so consumed in them resulting in anxiety over a small change or misstep, there is a problem.  When you are scared to live an imperfect life, there is a problem.

If you are struggling in something like this, I want you to know that you are not alone and you are not crazy. YOU are not perfect, but GOD’S power is made perfect in your weakness. You ARE loved by a God who still loves you more than you even know. This does not define you. Even when “recovery” is reached there is still daily struggle and daily choices to be made.  You won’t just forget old habits and traps you fell into. Some days you will slip, but you must stand up again and keep going…And never give up hope.

My Post-Grad Life

When I moved back to FL after graduating, it took a little time to “get my feet on the ground.”  To be honest, I am still far from being settled here.  I know that it will take time to establish a sense of community here, but I am patient and trying to stay positive. 

When I first arrived in FL, it was operation “clean and organize room.”  You might be thinking, “how long can that take?!”  Well, I’ll tell you- it certainly wasn’t an afternoon affair! This was not a standard room cleaning, it was a complete “gut job.”  I took everything out of drawers and the closet and essentially started from scratch.  With all the moving my parents have done in the past 3 years combined with constant travel to and from school, I really had no idea what was in my room and where things were being stored.  I ended up making a huge “give away” pile and bought some containers to stack in my closet.  I worked about 2 hours a day on this project, and about 3 weeks after arriving in FL it was complete!  FINANLLY! Flashback to moving to FL-at least my room didn't look this bad:

When I first arrived in January I also had an interview with a tutoring company in the nearby equestrian community.  Many high schoolers who participate in the horse show competitions stay in FL during the winter months, so there is a need for tutors.  I got the job and tutor Spanish a few days a week (for 5-10 hours depending on the day).  I have specific students that I see for a few hours each week, and I am responsible for keeping them up to date with their Spanish classes back at their schools up north.  This means I have to have constant communication with their teachers-making sure I have their assignments and proctor the necessary tests.  Honestly, I am so glad I found this job.  It is flexible and I essentially get to choose my hours.  The office is really nice, and the students are awesome! The pay is also amazing-which is a bonus!  Hopefully this teaching experience will get me even one step closer to a full time teaching job-which I hope to pursue later this year! Here is a picture of the  company website and the rooms we tutor in (it's not me in the photo-I just found it on the company's social media).

Toward the end of January, I emailed my tri coach and told her that I was ready to train again for this year’s season.  We met and talked about my ideas and goals, and I have officially started training.  I am finishing up PT for my shin-and HOLY COW my BUTT KIIIILLLLSSS! I have come out of PT bruised (from soft tissue massage) and unable to sit down (from the abundance of pistol squats).  My running at this point has been short and slow, but my biking and swimming this first week shows that it appears I am starting off strong.  I’m not  too excited-Obviously I have tons of training ahead of me…including a day of training that will consist of a 1 hour swim, 5 hour bike, and 2 hour run (I can’t wait….thanks coach for the warning!).  BUT, it is still comforting to know that I’m not this terribly out of shape chick.  It normally takes me a month or 2 to feel like a true triathlete, so any confidence boost helps! I’m planning on joining the masters swim team of Jupiter in March-the team I trained with the past few summers. (Post PT bruise and first rehab run below:)

As far as church goes, I’ve been attending GIBC in Jupiter with my parents.  They have a college/career group from 9-10:30 and then the service from 10:45-12:15.  I haven’t really been going to the group though-it is a nice group, but by the time 12:15 rolls around I am just tired.  There is only so long you can sit and listen to sermons-even if they are good sermons! I’m kind of unsure at this point if I see myself really connecting at the church.  I was really attracted to the community I saw in the church-it is obvious that people are connected with one another.  But there is a difference between seeing community and being a part of the community.  It just feels hard to “break in”-but I also think that is just part of the atmosphere in this area.  At this point I’m a little hesitate to try and get too settled in the area-especially if I end up getting a permanent job farther away.  It’s been a weird time-trying to settle, yet trying not to get too settled in case I have to uproot soon. The church from the outside (it's pretty big):

Well, that’s pretty much about it right now!  Not terribly exciting, but that’s fine by me!

In an Instant

Everything can change in an instant….Just a second….Or mere moment.

Have you ever experienced a situation that makes you remember how fragile life really is? 

Well, today, I had one of those experiences that make you step back for a second and thank God that His hand kept me alive and well. 

This was the second time in my life that a group of Firemen rescued me.  The first time happened a few years ago during Easter break while I was home from college. It was only my dad and I staying in the Chicago house that was going to be on the market soon.  I had driven up from Kentucky and he had flown up from FL, and we were ready to go to bed until the Carbon Monoxide alarm went off.  Naturally, dad assumed that it was simply an old battery, so he changed it and we went to bed. Around 11:30 pm the alarm went off again.  After doing research (because this is what dad does!), he told me that 9/10 times it is a “false alarm,” BUT if it goes off again he would call 911.  Starting to get just a little nervous that I might die in my sleep, I decided to keep my window open in my room (thinking it may or may not save me).  Well, the alarm went off again an hour later, so dad called 911 and told me, “I’ll let you know if we need to do anything,” so I went back to bed.  A few minutes later I was awakened by a group of firemen storming up the stairs pulling me from the bed. I’m in my PJs trying to get my shoes on while the firemen are yelling at me to get out of the house. They had detected carbon monoxide and we needed to evacuate the house.  We ended up spending the next 5 hours in the ambulance.  It was a long night, but we were glad to be safe.  The final advice the firemen gave to my dad: “call 911 THE FIRST time sir!” 

The one and only time I've been in an ambulance. 

Today I was driving to work the same way that I always do.  I got on the turnpike and drove 11 miles until the exit I get off at.  Same old..same old. It was raining hard this morning (with some tornadoes) but it was not raining at all when I left the house.  The roads were a little wet, but I didn’t think they were that bad at all.  The exit ramp I get off at is pretty straight, but you obviously have to veer to the right (not really a complete right turn, just going slightly right).  Well, as soon as I started to veer, I knew I had lost all traction, and my car was just sliding the direction it was veering.  It all happened so quickly, and I’m not really sure what happened.  I just remember sliding toward the guardrail and trying to keep from hitting it.  Somehow the car did a complete 180, missing the guardrail and ending up in the grass along the road.  The grassy area was slanted, and the car was middle.  Stunned, I got out of the car and got out my phone to call my mom.  As I was dialing her number, a fire tuck pulled over and a group of firemen came out.  They asked me what happened and if I was ok.  After talking with each other for a little bit, they decided that they would be able to push it back to the road.  Firemen are seriously heroes. They were successful and EVERYTHING is fine!  I am completely fine and my car is completely fine. I am so thankful-this could have gone way worse.  I could have crashed into the guardrail, a car could have been behind me and crashed into me.  The car could have flipped instead of just staying upright on the slanted hill. 

Today I am praising God that I am alive and well!