Restricted

“To take control of your life again, you found comfort in these…restricting and…disordered habits”

I knew what she was saying was true.  The rest of my life was crumbling around me, and being determined to keep control, I decided to “control” everything I could.  It made sense to hear a professional echo the words that my heart already believed.

“Let’s start with breakfast…or is this too much right now?”

This is ridiculous, I know I can handle that…But I don’t want to. I want to continue in the perfect routine that I have developed.   I want to fight, but I also want to submit…

Please know that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.  Part of me does not want to open myself up to judgement, but pride should not keep me from being vulnerable.  Even though the struggle is still real, my hope is that honesty will bring freedom.  For those that have struggled in similar ways, I pray for healing and support in your journey through recovery.

It was my junior year in college and I was going to weekly nutrition counseling appointments.  After passing out with a reeeally low HR one night (upper 30’s and lower 40’s-which is actually normal for “fit Kim” we discovered-my lowest recorded HR in Tri season was 34 last year!!...anyway...), I was told that I needed to see a cardiologist to check my heart and nutritionist to help make sure my slim frame was not causing heart issues.  I was not allowed to swim without making these appointments…so basically I had to.

I’ve written about my stomach issues in the past (click here), detailing how I had started to fear food in general for causing daily pain.  But, there is more to the story and BOY does it complicate things:

Yes, my food habits had become erratic due to fear, but something else was further driving this need to control.  In the past year, my world had flipped upside down…again and again.  After overtraining my sophomore swim season and causing significant damage to my body, then moving from IL to FL, then moving again in FL, I was completely spent in every sense of the word.  I was coming "home" to a different house every school-break for a year and then spending days in bed with no energy to get up (from adrenal fatigue).  Everything was out of my control, except what I put on my plate…or sometimes what I didn’t.  I can’t really point to a specific time that everything went downhill.  Looking back I see that all these crazy life events impacted me and led me to this.  I had dug myself into a hole.

Slowly I noticed that I had started doing weird/strange things, that I had never done before- like needing to put 4 things on my plate (all had to be different colors).  I had to eat nearly the same thing everyday (like an apple and granola-which had to be in a cup and I had to eat it walking).  It had to be routine-same things at the same time in the same way.  I had to keep everything in my bowl at the same level.  Rituals like that.  I got so anxious going to the cafeteria knowing that I had to pick a “perfect meal” so I went when it was not so crowded so I would not feel as scared.  It was predictable-something I didn’t have anywhere else in my life, and therefore it kept me feeling safe.

All this time I knew that these mental thoughts were NOT normal, but at the same time, anyone that’s had a disorder knows that you can’t simply control your brain and just decide to stop. It’s not that easy.  I had found so much comfort in these compulsions…strange but true.  I’m Type-A and a perfectionist-both personality traits that had helped me succeed had now betrayed me. I couldn't control everything that was happening in my life, so this had become my outlet.  Sad that I needed an outlet instead of trusting God and HIS control in my life.  I manipulated food in order to feel a sense of the power that I had lost.  Succeeding in doing these rituals minimized stress, but failure in the rituals increased stress. As much as counseling helped me fuel better and feel more comfortable adding variety in my meals (the variety that I needed as an athlete), it almost made this worse in a different way.  Now I was terrified that NOT eating completely balanced and perfect meals (with enough fat, carbs, and protein) would result in a complete breakdown of physical strength-much like the breakdown I suffered while overtraining sophomore year when I entered a constant catabolic state for months(when the actual muscle tissue in the body endures lengthened stretches of the catabolic state, it eats away at itself in an attempt to find a source of stored energy).  Almost a whole NEW obsession…

I felt a sense of guilt when I cannot adhere to a perfect plan and same old meals.  It’s stressful to feel hunger and have to decide what to eat when you don’t have a “plan” for a 3:17pm snack.   When I didn’t have a “safe” decision, I didn’t make one.  This probably sounds ridiculous, and believe me I know, but in all honesty: I feared healing almost as much as I feared the disorder.

Let that sink in for a bit…I forgot what it was like to just eat.

Being a swimmer and triathlete has kept me somewhat accountable-I care about my performance too much not to keep trying to adequately fuel by listening to body cues instead of safe and predictable pre-planned schedules.  Coaches and and teamates encouraged me to keep fueling, and I know they meant well.  As an athlete, I have a real desire to fuel properly (meaning whole and real food that will best impact my performance, so yes, in this way I want to keep most my meals “healthy").   I did fuel, just not adaquately.  It was never an "I want to starve myself," instead it was "I care more about my disordered habits than my body signals." If that makes any sense...I’m just now learning to read those body signals and now hunger cues for the first time again after healing from the pseudomonas-which masked hunger with constant pain. (This illness really did impact my relationship with food, and I don't want to downplay that at all with this post. I'm not going to go into detail-for YOUR sake, but just imagine every time you eat thinking not IF, but HOW BADLY is your body going to reject it.)

As you can see, all of these things led me here.  I want food to be scheduled, consistent, healthy, and not cause stomach discomfort-quite a list.  It is definitely complicated even in my own mind-it is multifaceted to say the least.  Trying to do everything perfectly is NOT POSSIBLE, and I’m tired of trying.  I’m also tired of hiding. I can only do it for so long and the shame is real.

You may or may not have heard me share some of this story-telling you what you needed to hear in order to let me be.  Some individuals have been more confrontational (at times with accusations) and to be honest, I needed the confrontation. But I also needed support and someone to confront me with a listening ear. I needed people to come “around me” instead of come “at me.”   After all, I wasn’t even sure what I was trying to do at times…or even why I developed the disordered behaviors.  I shared with those who made it clear that they were going to LISTEN and were willing to hear the whole-confusing-crazy story.  In these situations, you need to approach individuals with understanding instead of criticism.  It's not a simple choice-you don't choose to have a disorder.  Putting someone on the defense will not help him or her open up.  It also makes the situation worse to feel self-conscious that you are always being watched and judged.  I avoided people at all cost that would label me or comment on my behavior-even family members. When someone made a snap judgment, I felt more ashamed, shut down and then wanted to give up entirely.  When someone simply said (or demanded) "eat this" or "eat that" I wanted to scream, "you don't understand!"  So keep that in mind and don’t make assumptions when you think someone is struggling-you don’t know their whole story.

Admitting my struggle and seeing where I went wrong (after being able to look back more objectively now) has allowed recovery and healing to begin.  I am much more aware when I see my mind trying to perfect all my actions in different areas-which happens.  Compulsive behavioir can find its way into lots of things! I am not in denial or blind to this anymore.  It’s ok to be a schedule-loving person, but when you get so consumed in them resulting in anxiety over a small change or misstep, there is a problem.  When you are scared to live an imperfect life, there is a problem.

If you are struggling in something like this, I want you to know that you are not alone and you are not crazy. YOU are not perfect, but GOD’S power is made perfect in your weakness. You ARE loved by a God who still loves you more than you even know. This does not define you. Even when “recovery” is reached there is still daily struggle and daily choices to be made.  You won’t just forget old habits and traps you fell into. Some days you will slip, but you must stand up again and keep going…And never give up hope.